I feel as though I’ve hit a brick wall of resistance.
The process is seeming more and more silly and as time goes on it feels less and less effective and I’m not seeing many real world results that I wouldn’t normally see.
However, deconstructing this sentence leads to many valuable insights. “More and more silly” means that resistance towards the legitimacy of this process is building. In my experience, resistance is created with progress, not the cause of it stopping. In fact, resistance is necessary to progress, as yin is to yang. As gravity is to flying.
“Less and less effective” means I’m trying to quantify this process with my rational mind. Certainly that is the point of this blog, but the process of opening to a spiritual path is understood to be non-linear and non-rational. So this argument doesn’t hold water either as the very act of creatively observing something limits the possibility of the results of that creation to the reality created in that moment by the observer. More to the point, the act of attempting to measure progress with a scientific system towards a non-scientific goal is a fundamentally futile act. With quantum physics at work, I’m fairly convinced that keys can actually disappear and reappear which is why I lose them, and success can appear out of the blue and completely transform my life.
The counter-argument here is that I’m assuming to atleast experience more internal congruence and peace until I see results in the hologram, and that these internal states are indicators of the process “working.” “I’m not seeing many real world results that I wouldn’t normally see” is a statement that implies that there is a difference between “normal” results and the results that I’m experiencing on this spiritual path. These things I can’t know, as I so far have not been able to exist in two simultaneous realities to compare and contrast. The question, “what would I be experiencing now if I didn’t embark on this spiritual path five days ago” is like asking “when is the universe?” That is, it doesn’t make any sense at all. There is only now.
This doesn’t conflict with the intention of this series of blog posts – but it does conflict with my expectations. My intention is merely to chronicle my emotional states, any weird synchronicities, and my application of “the process” over as long a period of time as I continue to use it. My expectation, however, is that something extraordinary would be happening, not intense confusion. But perhaps this is me not noticing the emotional states of confusion and uncertainty for their miraculous nature. What I do know is that something inside me tells me to keep going, so I will.
Science as Faith
Another thought comes to mind – the idea of scientifically documenting a spritual path. In essence, I am attempting to use science to hedge my bets, or more to the point, replace faith as a means of comfort. I think to myself, “as long as the data is pointing in my favor, I can relax” long before I think, “I am the creator and as the creator, I can effortlessly achieve my dreams.” As I’ve said, I am a results driven person – still in many ways steeped in the Phase 1 idea of responding to the hologram as the all encompassing reality. Seems like if I truly believed in Phase 2, I wouldn’t have the slightest shake in my faith that I had immense power to live in immense joy.
It would be like living on a tropical island with a soulmate lover, supportive and laughter-inducing friends, and zest for life that was insatiable, all while a black and white TV in the corner (the hologram) played continual reruns of tragic news stories. Eventually, my focus would be on the absolute joyful nature of my existence that the black and white TV would be taken to the good will and I’d win a brilliant wall sized LCD display of beautiful places, inspiring speeches, passionate art, and a deep exploration of the world. But how do I shift my mind from its continual investment in the TV and the driving need to know the outcome of each tragic story? How do I see the wonder of the tropical island where I already am? Some say meditation but right now that brings up only resistance.
The Artists’ Way
An incredible book by Julia Cameron which recommends, among othter things, going on a reading diet. This is a radical idea for a voracious reader and knowledge sponge like myself. It actually seems brilliant. To stretch the above metaphor, my obsessive need to read and be in the know quite possibly is my obsession to watch the Black and White TV and turn up the volume to drown out the lulling sounds of the ocean.
By contrast, doing the opposite would be like turning down the volume on the TV set to hear the birds, the sigh of my lover as she sleeps, and the rustle of her skin against the bed sheets. Hearing the subtle drops of rain on the window pane. Sure I might watch the TV without volume, but eventually I’ll grow bored and start watching nature outside. Maybe seeing that glorious world will compel me to act?
Well I’m going to try it. No reading for atleast 1 day. If nothing else it will give me plenty of fodder for the process.