Today was a rather emotionally turbulent day.
In spite of using the process when I was waking up and using it multiple times once I had awoken, I couldn’t shake this emotional weight that I felt. I didn’t want to get out of bed, and finally I had to because I had places to be.
Driving in New Jersey traffic in the rain and a couple of low blows (GPS suddenly not working for all of Verizon) brought me to all new levels of anger and rage, causing me to shout the words of the process like I was damning the gods I felt were punishing me. Living and believing that I am the sole creator of this hologram allowed me to really let loose with my anger. But I felt only fleeting moments of levity.
However, I did appreciate the value of my money and I felt much less worried about spending it than I usually do – knowing that I was simply expressing appreciation towards my creation and would come back.
Despite my feeling of being rushed, everything worked out in a way that I couldn’t have planned. I even called a coworker at exactly the “right time” to get a tie that otherwise I would not have been able to get.
I felt very positive once I had gotten to work – and all was forgotten. Then the evening dragged on but I greatly appreciated getting paid and tipped on top of it. I was also greatly appreciated for my contribution to the team and my abilities, something I cherished and really drove me to do as best I could.
I had sort of forgotten about the process by now, being mired in the amount of activity at work, new things to learn, rules to follow. And now I was in a bizarre situation with a couple coworkers and a bar after work. Usually I don’t like to go to bars since it often makes me very depressed. But I only felt it at the time for fleeting moments, much like I did the levity earlier. I had definitely forgotten the process once I had drank and really zoned into the words my coworker’s were saying, the pieces of themselves they were revealing.
I also felt very unworried about money for paying the bill. I only had a little hesitation in choosing a drink based on price. Actually, I think this is one of the easier aspects so far of Phase 2 for me to latch onto. It’s hard for me to feel infinite when I’m so incredibly limited and feel so unfulfilled, but it’s easy for me to pay for something that I have the money for and not feel like the money is going away. Certainly it’s a shift in how I think, but the shift has been rather effortless. It also helps that I’ve been making a lot more money as of late.
This was the oddest phenomenon and what was most odd about it was how close I felt to an infinite being. I had just had a positive and connective experience with a spritual young woman who drove me home. I was in a very open mood and, as I stood in front of the church rectory where I lived, I simply did not want to go inside.
There was a very soft rain coupled with a warming wind (for a cold autumn night) The rain felt like mother nature was massaging my skin (and I definitely wasn’t that drunk) but I had a perfect buzz. Just a generally all over feeling of well being. It felt like a blissful, leaf covered midnight wonderland. Crunchy and wet. In that moment I wanted to be there forever. And of course the process came back to me. And I used it, which amplified the feeling. Is this what connecting to source feels like?
In the beginning of the day it seemed like everything was wrong, that I was completely delusional for believing I was any closer to “the secret”. By the end of the night my faith was renewed.
I’m starting to believe this oscillation between intense emotions is going to continue. Maybe it will become even more extreme as negativity bursts open the door for positivity to flow in. Like the intense satisfaction women are supposed to feel after an unimaginably painful childbirth. Or maybe not…